Holy shit you were invited to a fucking POTLUCK! Do they even know you? What were they thinking?
Since you can’t think of a way out of it and, really, deep down in your sadness heart where all the loneliness lives, you kinda actually want to go, what are you going to bring besides a bag of Discounts! BRAND chips?
In five easy steps (plus 17-23 supplementary steps if you want to show off that you actually made an effort this time?) you can walk in all proud-like at the culinary masterpiece in your hands and hopefully everyone else there will be feeling the deep shame that they have been inciting in you since third grade.
That’s right, we’re talking about hotel-quality Foamed Abalone Bread served with Succulent Roast Beef Chimichurri. Get ready for this, mother fuckers.
INGREDIENTS
- Some kind of fish, preferably abalone but whatever cuz would anyone even know I mean your friends aren’t even that fancy
- Ditto, but with cow parts
- 1 X-Large size WHY IS IT IN A BUCKET? BRAND “Bucket O’ Foam”
- Loaf of bread that you found in the Day Old pile in the back by where the employees shit, but which you moved to the bread aisle because internalized classism still inhibits you even though you’re 48 years old
- 1 Dual-Action Chimichurri Pump Dispenser, 48-oz or larger
Insert fish into Day-Old Employee Toilet bread.
Cut fish-stuffed Day-Old Employee Toilet bread into rustic shapes. Arrange artfully on a platter. The clean one this time. Coat evenly using 16/17th of the WHY IS IT IN A BUCKET? BRAND “Bucket O’ Foam.”
Reconstruct cow parts with a paste you’ve made from 1/17th of the WHY IS IT IN A BUCKET? BRAND “Bucket O’ Foam” and the ends of your Day Old loaf that you didn’t know you had to save for this step. Wow. Kinda typical of you not to read ahead. Let dry. Cut roughly and arrange artfully on top of the bread.
Finish with a monolithic massing of chimichurri on top. Good chance to use your architecture degree. Put it on IG #imdoingjustfine
No you’re not.
